Horsefuntext

The practicality of Dressage Queens A husband and DQ were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big kiss, told him she’d see him later and walked away. The DQ glared at her husband and said, "Who was that?" "Oh" replied the husband "that was my mistress." "That's it; I want a divorce." said the DQ "I understand" replied her husband "but remember, if we divorce there will be no more horse shopping trips to Europe, no more wintering in at the Florida circuit, no 4x4 dually diesel with aluminum 6 horse trailer with full living quarters and no groom...... Of course I respect your decision..." Just then the DQ noticed a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asked. "That's his mistress," replied her husband. "Ours is prettier," said the DQ.	On the first day of creation, God created the Horse. On the second day, God created man to serve the Horse. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when man was on his back. On the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that man could labour to pay for the keeping of the Horse. On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that Horse could eat and man could toil and clean up after the Horse. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and man broke. On the seventh day, God rested and said "This is good. This will teach man humility. It will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the Horse."

One day in Heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul, and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, bored, watching the horses frolic. "I know!" Peter exclaimed. "Why don't we have a horse show?" "Who are we to compete against Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered this a moment when Peter said, "We'll invite Satan. I mean - all of the World and National Champion horses are here. His stable is filled with the spoiled, difficult, and mean horses. We're certain to win!" And so they called up Satan and invited him to their horse show. Satan asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul, and John did not understand. Incredulous, Peter asked, "We have all of the champion horses in heaven! How could you possibly beat us?" Satan laughed and replied, "Have you forgotten, gentlemen? I have all the judges in hell!"	NON-HORSEY........ It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote > "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - and then the trouble started.

Husbands Vs. Horses Good Things About Husbands: • Husbands are less expensive to shoe. • Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay. • A lame husband can still work. • A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked. • Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back. • They're better able to understand puns. • If they're playing hard to catch you may be able to run them down on foot. • They know their name. • They pay their own bills. • They apologize when they step on your toes. • They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle. • They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too) • For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.	The Horse's Advantage: • If they don't work out you can sell them. • They don't come with in-laws. • You don't have to worry about your children looking like them. • You never have to iron their saddle pads. • If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one. • They smell good when they sweat. • You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape. • It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence". • You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary. • They don't want their turn at the computer. • They turn white with age, but not bald. • They learn to accept restraint. • They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0.
I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0.
Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items.
I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything!
A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labelled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on start-up.
A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely,
Tech Support

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